Overcoming Holiday Grief

By Kerry Griffin Smith

For many of us, Christmastime is full of splendid memories and well-loved family traditions—all culminating to create a wonderful time of year. Sadly, this same beautiful time can greet others with the sharp reality that a loved one is no longer here and they must brave the season alone, with a hole in their heart.

Neither side of the holiday experience negates the other. Both opposing feelings are real and valid. In fact, they can coexist for the same person. But some are on the side of grief more—at least for now. 

How can we each embrace our feelings while experiencing the holidays? How can a family and temple focus help anyone as they celebrate Christmas and the coming new year?

Each person deals with grief differently, but it’s key to know that there are things we can do to boost our moods and begin to heal.

Talk about the Departed Loved One

Remember the good times, prior holiday seasons. Make a point to reminisce. Let the feelings come. Your mind is going to think about them anyway. Why not turn them into a focus that can help you? Allow yourself to feel. Consult a therapist if needed. You need to work through your feelings.

I recently visited a remarkable lady, the wife of my former mission president. He passed away a few years ago. Despite missing him immensely, she has filled her life with good things and remains active and engaged. I’m sure she has her sad moments, but she also relies on the knowledge that his absence is temporary and that she still has much to enjoy in her life. 

We talked about him and shared some good memories together. It was a beautiful experience to laugh with her and know that he was probably right there laughing with us. Our visit ended with each of us drawing strength from one another with a shared hug and promise to keep in touch.

Observe Traditions

Every person has to do what’s best for them. For some, comfort can be found in familiar, annual traditions that carry nostalgia and warm feelings.

For others, traditions are too painful a reminder of loss and grief.

Yet some kind of tradition, no matter how you celebrate it can be a wonderful connection with family. Ask yourself if you might adjust a tradition to make it more doable for you. Or is there a new tradition you have always wanted to start? Perhaps now is the time. Creating new memories with family and friends can be your new part 2.

Focus on What Brings Peace

Following the Savior is our true source for peace. Pray to know Him and understand what He is like. As you do, you will experience tremendous compassion and the love only He can give.

With any traditions you have in mind, perhaps top of the list should include a visit to the temple. The cares of the world will slip away as you focus on Christ and all He has done for you and the loved one you miss.

Second to temple attendance might be family history work. It’s easy to set this focus aside during the busy holiday season. But if you’re struggling with your emotions, it may be one of the most important things you do. Visit familysearch.org and write a tribute to your loved one. Let their memory live on through your words and recollections. Tell everyone how they impacted and blessed your life. You’ll be giving yourself and them a beautiful gift.

May we all have a blessed holiday season. May each of us seek the peace we so need to comfort care-worn hearts. May we uplift one another. And may we seek the Savior, our ultimate Comforter, who is especially near when our hearts are most heavy.

Kerry Griffin Smith, an editor for the former Ensign magazine, enjoys living in Utah and exploring all the great state has to offer with her family. She also loves to share clean, quality books with friends on Facebook and Instagram.